Day 3:    South Padre Depravity

Main Page > 2004 Messin' With Texas >


With a good nights sleep, the boys were refreshed and ready for more stupidity ,,,oops !!!! humidity. They planned to head down towards one of the infamous spring break party capitals, South Padre Island! Leaving Port Aransas at 8:00 AM, the boys headed through Corpus Christi, and back east inland for the two hour journey south. 


Cruisin Thru Corpus Christi

(Notice the heat haze even at 8:00  in the morning !!)

By 9:30 AM the boys had just finished off a splendid Mexican Breakfast at a little dinner along the two lane road, and decided it was Corona Rona Time !!! Filling up the Hall of Shame with deliciously cold 'Ronas, the boys thoroughly enjoyed the road and the brews.  Crossing into South Padre Island around 11:00AM the boys were starting to get quite annoyed with the constant, oppressive heat, despite the air conditioning, and decided it was high time to find a lovely little beach to enjoy the Gulf of Mexico and Gulp of Rona's.


Heading out of "town" north, towards the end of the road on South Padre Island

As the boys toured into South Padre they noticed that access to the beach was totally cut off by hotels and restaurants. Stopping at a tourist station they asked a local Anglo lady where they could find a beach to hang out for the afternoon. Taking one look at the deplorable state of the boys, she stated that the north end of the island was state park with public beaches, so with high hopes, hearts, and (Rona-induce) heads, the Miguel and Bona boogied el Norte !


Viewing The Gulf from the remote North end of the Island


Driving on the Beach in the North End of South Padre Island

Heading up the coast, they quickly left the hotels, condos. and party stores onto a more remote part of the island. However, as they drove onto the beach they saw a site that absolutely sickened them:


How the locals treat the Beaches of South Padre Island, Like Trash !!

Having spent a lot a time on beaches, Mike and Bone always enjoyed the pristine splendor of the waves splashing the unspoiled sand. Unfortunately there wasn't anything unspoilt about the San Padre Public Beaches. On the contrary, the San Padre Dump for Mexico would have been a better name for the dung heap that Mike and Bone came upon.

They watched group after group of Hispanic families drinking milk, beer, and soda, and tossing their containers on the beach when they were done. Mike and bone saw used diapers, broken bottles, cans of food and other pure garbage were lying everywhere. 

Totally disgusted,  Mike and Bone walked and far north as they could to find a less spoiled part of the beach, only to have one of the weirdest experiences that they ever encountered.


Bone finding the one unpolluted spot on the Beach !!

Bone is a man of great passions. Great loves (Sherry, Jenny, Consulting, Michigan Football), and great hates, mostly snakes (rattler, copperhead, Ellen.), he was soon exposed to two things he really doesn't like. 

Walking along the beach the boys noticed a Hispanic gentleman with a two sizes too small Speedo bathing suit walking a very strange little poodle, as he passed Mike and Bone he gave the boys some very strange stares, the kinda stares that guys sorta normally give to members of the opposite sex. Fortunately, he quickly walked past the boys and further up the beach.


Nothing like finding a Dead Anaconda on the South Padre Beach !!

Yikes !!!  The second thing that Bone really doesn't like reared its figurative head. As Mike and Bone chatted while walking up the beach, what the boys originally thought was a motorcycle tire, when the boys got within a few yards   ,,,, it turned out to be a snake  . .  .. a REALLY big SNAKE !!!, a twelve foot ANACONDA !!! As fecal matter accumulated in Bone's pants, they realized that it was dead.  Apparently exotic pets are snuck in the US from Mexico on this beach, and when the "pets" die in transit, they are unceremoniously dumped on the beach.

Just then as Mike and Bone were performing a hasty retreat they were flanked by Speedo man, who unfortunately was not wearing his Speedo, was standing in the surf, while pleasuring his "flagpole" in the boys general direction! At this point the boys had had enough, trotted back to the car, and sped back to town.


Seeing a dead Anaconda was obviously a hair-raising event for poor Bone !!!!!

Being on the wrong side of the "Tracks". As Mike and Bone speed into town disillusioned, and disappointed. They went immediately to the nicest Hotel in town, a Radisson checked in and immediately ordered a bunch of margarita's to quell the pain. While nursing their drinks they chatted with a young couple about their horrifying experience when the guy said" Yeah, gays hang out (literally as Mike and Bone observed) on the North Beach !!."

Mortified and horrified, the boys immediately jumped the pool, ordered another round of margies, in order to both wash the memories literally and figuratively out of their minds.


Bone washing the junk off from the disgusting Beach


The  Boys South Padre Island afternoon Party Palace


Mike and Bone getting Hammered on Hammerheads

As the drinks flowed freely in the hot, hot South Texas Sun Mike and Bone played loudly and proudly in the pool. Whenever the Boys make a scene, they become the scene ! Their ever louder hijinks, and hilarity (as well as hammering) as usual attracted other like minded partiers, and soon they were being brought and bought drinks by a growing cadre of admirers.

Being the boys they are, soon the Boys were being bought a local toxic, rum concoction, Hammerheads !!


Mike, Bone and fellow Hammerheads


Thanks for the Mammaries !!!!

Soon there were enough revelers to play water Volley ball, and boys broke the pool up into teams of advanced alcoholic revelry.

That's a strange water temperature?. As the afternoon descended into a blurry haze of hammering volleyballs and hammerheads an interesting phenomenon occurred, the more the boys drank, the less they pee'd, however the water temperature maintained a very ironic 98.7 degrees.

Burnt to a Crisp

By 8:30 at night the sun was down, and the drinking and revelry was subsiding. Mike and Bone bid a hearty adieu to their new found friends and looked for a place to chow down. Bone was so sun burnt that he was shivering as they looked for just the right place to dine.

Finding a ramshackled seafood diner was class appropriate for Mike and Bone. They ordered a huge 3 foot steel bucket of boiled and spiced mudbugs, or as us yankees call them, crayfish. Sucking shellfish and ice cold beers was a capping experience to a day filled with ronas, margies, hammerheads, and snakes (Anaconda's and the other kind). With a very strange day behind the boys they crashed at midnight, while Bone had horrible nightmares of Gay Mexican Anacondas with a Bone fetish.