2006 Visiting the "Friendly (?!?)" Confines of Wrigley Field

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Drinking, dancing wildly, fighting, getting husbands jealous, this is typical Mike and Bone Behaviour, and so it is obviously something you should parade proudly in front of your children !!! . So on August 5th 2006, an absolutely gorgeous Saturday afternoon, the boys began their 2006 Mike and Bone Touring Season with a visit to the "Friendly Confines" of Wrigley Stadium, where Mike brought his son, Michael Junior ("Buck"), and Bone to their first Chicago Cubs baseball game, bringing their ever present charm to greater Chicagoland !

Mike and Buck were already in Chicago, recovering from a heady night of drinking and boogery, whereas the Bone was driving in from Detroit via Atlanta. They met Bone outside Wrigley Field several hours before the game in order to "soak" up the atmosphere of the bars and pubs of Wrigleyville. With a pledge to have but one beer in each bar, the boys hoped to sample one brew from each bar to find out which would be coolest to "hang-out" in after the game.

The first stop was the Goose Island Brew Pub, which turned out to be a great Wrigleyville Bar ! . The Bar features the entire line of Goose Island beers, including seasonal specialties like Hefeweizen and Summertime Kolsch. Having sampled the entire array of their lagers, and ports, the Trio of Terror, moved on to then next stop, which was right next door to Goose Island, a very Chi-Chi Bar that served a very good round of Guiney's !!!

However the plan of attack was derailed at the very next stop on the Tour of Terror by the Trio of Terror, which became their base of operations, the place to make spectacles of themselves, and create havoc in multiple marriages, the ever venerable . . . .

What made "Cheers" famous in Boston? It was a friendly neighbourhood bar where everybody knows your name. In short order, the Cubby Bear which is a neighbourhood bar, was the place that everybody knew the Trio of Terror's name !!!! The Cubby Bear, sits kitty-corner from Wrigley and is a traditional gathering spot for Cubs fans, and unless you get there early, there's a good chance you won't get in the door close to game time. The Cubby Bear, formally known as Cubs Pub and Cubs Grill opened in 1953. It's one of the most famous landmarks on Chicago's North Side, and after the game, infamous !!!

With it still being two hours before game time, the bar was absolutely packed. As the boys weaselled and sidled up to the bar a local fellow named Jack kindly offered the boys access to the bar along with some great local dickering. Jack was born in Chicago and moved to rural Michigan outside Ada, when he was a lad of 11. However a true city boy through-and-through, the moment he turned 18, he high-tailed it out of the country, away from the Amish and cornfields back to Downtown Chicago, where he still resides to this day. Being a huge Cubby Fan, he told the boys all about the area and places to party in Wrigleyville. Soon, the rounds of local beer flowed fast and furious, and as always happens, the Boys became the center of attention for the whole Bar.

Careful where you point those "guns" lady !!!. Jack's ""special friend"" Shawna, soon showed up to titillate the Boys. She was a perfect 4 feet 11 inches by 4 feet 11 inches, with zero body fat, (if you know what I mean!) Shawna, however was more than a green-eyed hourglass, she had a great sense of humor along with extremely low-cut shirt, her abundant cleavage severed to both fascinate the Boys and provided a handy cup holder for their beers. Several of Shawna's female pals arrived to join the party within the bar, and everybody had an extremely delightful time all the way to game time. With promises to link up after the Game, the Boys bid a fond adieu to Jack, Shawna, and her fabulous rack.

The Friendly Confines

The ballpark known as "the Friendly Confines" is tucked into a neighbourhood of vintage brownstones on Chicago's North Side, Wrigley Field is the ballpark down the street and feels like home the minute you walk in and has kept up with modern times at its own pace, as proven by not adding lights until 1988, or sky boxes until 1989. It had been a "family-friendly" place, until Mike and Bone shown their madness.

But even those changes do little to alter the nostalgic feel one has here. Wrigley is one of the few ballparks that can sell out even if the home team is in last place. This is the park with the best bleachers in baseball, the only place where Harry Caray sings "Take Me Out to the Ball Game," and the stadium where there are more day games than anywhere else in Major League Baseball.

The game itself was actually a lot of fun, never-ending action, and un-ending beers made the hot, hazy day all the worthwhile. It seemed that every inning something interesting happened (unlike many major league games !) where the Cubbies and the Pirates kept the score close all 9 innings, while the boys scored numerous beers, Chicago Hot dogs, and Italian Beefs. As the brewski's flowed and flowed and flowed, the louder and more boisterous the boys became, and as the game ended at 7:00 PM, the boys had been drinkin' since 11:30 AM, were well lubricated, and happy until they tried to leave Wrigley, when a sad, unfortunate, and unnecessary incident occurred, which reminded the Boys why in-breeding is an ugly, horrible thing,

"Dude ?!? What's your problem Part One !?!?"!. As they were leaving some redneck drunk with his trailer-trash sister-wife and unfortunate (for the Human Species !) progeny, decided to start screaming and threatening Mike for the horrible sin of standing in front of his daughter during one play in the game. Now common sense should dictate that challenging three drunk guys bigger than you is a sure fire way to get punched, kicked and choked, but a lack of grey matter and common sense of what to do in front of your children helped this absolute loser to walk out of the stadium, humiliated in front of his scared and crying kids, banged up, while Mike, Buck, and Bone were scratch-free and looking for more fun times in the Cubby Bear.

After the refreshing and ridiculous fracas, the Trio of Terror returned to the Cubby Bear with high hopes of seeing Jack and higher hopes of seeing Shawna. Sadly neither returned to party with the Boys, so they made a whole new circle of friends, along with way, way, way too many beers. Round after round were brought to the boys, and they drank and danced round after round. At one point a busboy accidentally spilled two of a 12 beer order and brought the boys and entire new round of 12 beers !! It was quite a sight with Mike and Bone dancing with their sunglasses on inside the bar, while holding 2 beers in each hand !!

"Dude ?!? What's your problem Part Two !?!?"!. As the beers flowed, common sense diminished for the entire Cubby Bear Crowd. During the floor party of ongoing dancing, a somewhat attractive sleazy blonde (with no noticeable ring on) was dirty dancing with several of her female pals. Spurred on by Bone, she began to dance even more lewdly with her gal pals with a bigger grin for Bone. The entire male audience was cheering and applauding wildly until Bone was charged by an extremely drunken dude (with whom he and Mike had been jabbering with earlier) screaming "She's my wife !! She's my wife !!!" Bone wasn't sure what the heck was going on, he was laughing because the dude was so drunk that every punch he threw, missed wildly, and every time he got close to Bone, Bone would just push him on his fat butt. Finally the Bar Security showed up, cuffed the loser after his last fall, where he flopped and flailed like a fat fish on a dock. Sadly he seemed to be a good guy with a little too much to drink, and to the Boys absolute amazement, the hottie babe was his wife !!!

Having had enough drinkin', dancin', and duking, the Boys decided they needed some sustenance and headed down to the Miracle Mile of Michigan Avenue and the Billy Goat Tavern for a couple of cheese burgers !!!

Deciding to take Chicago's Elevating Transit System, the "El, the boys continued their carousing with a couple of drunken blonde floozies, who recently returned from the Outer Banks, which entertained the Boys as they struggled to maintain until they got some foodstuffs in themselves.

The Billy Goat Tavern was made famous by the Dan Akroyd and John Belushi Saturday Night skit and is the stomping grounds of most of the Chicago Sports Reporters, with the best cheeseburgers in the world. Going to the Billy Goat after the Cubs game seemed appropriate because of the strange relationship the Bar has with the Cubs . . . . . .

The Curse of the Billy Goat

October 6th, a sad day in Cubs history. The Cubs entered game four of the World Series leading the Detroit Tigers 2 games to 1, and needing to win only two of the next four games played at Wrigley Field. A local Greek, William "Billy Goat" Sianis, owner of the Billy Goat Tavern and a Cubs fan, bought two tickets to Game four. Hoping to bring his team good luck he took his pet goat, Murphy, with him to the game. At the entrance to the park, the Andy Fran ushers stopped Billy Goat from entering saying that no animals are allowed in the park. Billy Goat, frustrated, appealed to the owner of the Cubs, P.K. Wrigley. Wrigley replied, "Let Billy in, but not the goat." Billy Goat asked, "Why not the goat?" Wrigley answered, "Because the goat stinks." According to legend, the goat and Billy were upset, so then Billy threw up his arms and exclaimed, "The Cubs ain't gonna win no more. The Cubs will never win a World Series so long as the goat is not allowed in Wrigley Field." The Cubs were officially cursed. Subsequently, the Cubs lost game four, and the remaining series getting swept at home and from the World Series. Billy Goat promptly sent a telegram to P.K. Wrigley, stating, "Who stinks now?" For the next twenty years, throughout the remainder of Billy Goat's life the Cubs would finish each season at 5th place or lower, establishing a pattern that would reverse the Cubs luck and term the team "The Lovable Losers." The World Series would become a dream, and "wait 'til next year" would become the team's motto. From 1946 to 2003, the Cubs would post a 4250-4874 (.466) record, have only 15 winning seasons, finish in first place a mere 3 times, have no pennants, no World Series appearances let alone wins, with only four post season experiences (1984, 1989, 1998, 2003) resulting in a complete reversal of their fortunes. The Cubs were and are a cursed franchise.

Curse or no curse, after all the beers the boys had consumer they needed and relished the double cheeseburgers, which most likely prevented the "Curse of the Drunken Vomit Demon.".

Eschewing the "El, the boys took a cab back to the Cubby Bear to retrieve Bone credit card and Beemer. Despite the now 14 hour drinkin' and dancin' spree, the boys weren't quite burned out yet and decided to check out Rush Street !

Mother's is the Bar where Rob Lowe picked up Demi Moore in the 80's Movie, "About Last Night", and to this day is a great place to have a few beers. Sadly however, by 2:00 AM the boys were in major burn phase, had only one quick beer, and called it an eventful day, which saw action on and off the playing field with no major injuries.

Thus ending Buck's first foray into the wild and wacky world of Mike and Bone and ending the "Friendly Confines" Tour.