Day 1:    Mauling the Mall

Main Page > 1999  Washington DC: The Capital Crimes Tour >


Being the cheap bastards that they are, Mike and Bone flew Southwest Airlines to Baltimore. Then similar to Abraham Lincoln whom sneaked into Washington through Baltimore when he took office to avoid assassination (true story !), Mike and Bone took surface streets in to DC to avoid the roadblocks the police and militias set up to keep them out of the city !

Sneakin' in the B'More Parkway

"Of course the B'More Parkway is always a bumper-to-bumper !"

"So not so an good idea"

Checking into a Marriot downtown just blocks from the Mall the Boys being the boys hadda immediately check out the sites, with the first target the biggest phallic symbol in Western civilization, the Washington Monument !  


"Er, what do you think this monument is saying about George Washington?"

After checking in around 1:00 PM, being only blocks from the Mall the Boys being the boys hadda immediately check out the sites, with the first target the biggest phallic symbol in Western civilization, the Washington Monument ! So in the 98 degree heat  (and 98 percent humidity !) the Boys moseyed on down to the mall and start their tour of terror at ground zero for Washington City. The Washington Monument. The Washington Monument is the very apparent obelisk in the middle of the National Mall, built to commemorate our first U.S. president, General George Washington.

The monument is made of marble, granite, and bluestone gneiss, is both the world's tallest stone structure and the world's tallest obelisk, over standing 555 feet   The actual construction of the monument began in 1848 but was not completed until 1884, almost 30 years after the architect's death. This hiatus in construction happened because of co-option by the Know Nothing party, a lack of funds, and the intervention of the American Civil War. A difference in shading of the marble, visible approximately 150 feet or 27% up, shows where construction was halted for a number of years.  

The cornerstone was laid on July 4, 1848; the capstone was set on December 6, 1884, and the completed monument was dedicated on February 21, 1885. It officially opened October 9, 1888. Now the Monument is on a very small hill and as the boys got to the top of this hill they realized three things:

1) The Washington Monument is NOT air-conditioned.

2) You have to walk to the Top !

3) Ain't NO way the Boys were going to do that in that heat and humidity ! In fact it was so oppressive outside that they made a strategic decision to retreat to a cooler confines of the Marriott pool and return to create trouble in the evening as things cooled down at least a bit !

"Now THIS is relaxing !

Since the Boys landed in BWI it had been unbearably hot and humid, even the rental car with the air blasting didn't really cool the boys down. In situations like this there is a simple solution. Now keep in mind Mike and Bone are very simple creatures, it only takes a pool on the 20th floor of a downtown hotel overlooking all of DC, and a poolside server bring the boys fresh margarita's every 15 - 20 minutes as the boys sat in the pool in the shallow end enjoying the water, the view, and the fact that no one noticed that they never got out to pee !! The Boys kept up this strict regimen of hydration and dehydration (or peehydration) through the afternoon to around 7:00 PM when the sun was finally starting to let up enough to no longer fry and egg on the ground and let the Boys resume a tour of the mall.

Reflecting at the very sobering Vietnam Memorial

Once the in sufferable heat started to die down to only the low 90's, that the boys ventured from the pool and the margies to resume their tour that started with the very sobering Vietnam Memorial. The Vietnam Veterans Memorial was founded by Jan Scruggs, who served in Vietnam (in the 199th Light Infantry Brigade) from 1969-1970 as a infantry corporal. He wanted the memorial to acknowledge and recognize the service and sacrifice of all who served in Vietnam and was completed on November 1, 1982. The "Wall" is not a very impressive thing to see on TV or on a picture, but once you walk up to it, see how small each name on the wall is, and how many names there are, and how far down the 50,000+ lived lost in that useless war goes on the wall, it is a very moving place to stand and reflect.   

Roosevelt's Corner

The "Only thing we have to fear is fear itself !" - Franklin Delano Roosevelt

The "Only this we have to fear, are socialist like Franklin Delano Roosevelt !" Boneth Maroni

To honor the president who flaunted the Constitution and ran for four straight terms, the Franklin Delano Roosevelt Memorial is dedicated to memory of FDR and to the era he represented. As the boys looked around the FDR memorial, they were awestruck by a much more awesome view of Honest Abe's Memorial, and headed over to pay homage.


Honest Abe's Home !

Standing on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial, looking out of the Lincoln Memorial, left the boys very moved. Abe's house is truly an "American Experience." The Lincoln Memorial was built to honor the 16th President of the United States, Abraham Lincoln and is located on the National Mall in Washington, D.C. directly across from the Washington Monument. The architect was Henry Bacon, the sculptor of the primary statue Abraham Lincoln, 1920 was Daniel Chester French, and the painter of the interior murals was Jules Guerin.


Juxtaposition: George Washington-Integrity vs. Capital-Demagogues


"Suffering the Civil War was one thing! Mike and Bone is something else !"

It is one of several monuments built to honor an American president.   The building is in the form of a Greek Doric temple and contains a large seated sculpture of Abraham Lincoln and inscriptions of two well-known speeches by Lincoln, The Gettysburg Address and his Second Inaugural Address. The memorial has been the site of many famous speeches, including Martin Luther King's "I Have a Dream" speech, delivered on August 28, 1963 during the rally at the end of the March on Washington for Jobs and Freedom.   Whether it was the emotion of the moment, or the heat of the night, the Boys had completed the monumental tour and were in dire need of Irish sustenance !


"Irish I could have a Guinness !"

Mike and Bone @ the Dubliner !

Taint nuttin' like the "brown creature" at a foine Irish Bar,,,,, in Washington ????? 

To slake their thirst, Bone took Mike into one of the of the best Irish Pub's in North America, the Dubliner ! just a few blocks from the Capital Building, the Dubliner has seen its share of Washington politician's, In fact iBone once saw Tip O'Neil and Teddy Kennedy coiffing a few beers in their day in the 80's. If the Dubliner was good enough for two drunk Irish politicians from Boston, it was certainly good enough for Mike and Bone ! While the night was hot, the Guinneys were perfect (perfect pints that is !). The Boys saw no sense in leaving this fine establishment and stayed until the wee hours of the morning, leaving a significant dent in the draft Guinness supply at the Dubliner !